he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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