what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
