Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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