I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
