His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
