Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
