The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
