Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
