i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
