y did u give ur computer a hand job?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
