just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize