Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
