Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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