I think I won the penis lottery.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
