How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
