i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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