meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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