Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
