FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
