If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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