my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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