judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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