i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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