Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
