i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
