at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
