im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
