last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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