I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
