fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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