My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
