Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
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