Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
