oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize