She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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