last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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