Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
