you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
