Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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