I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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