and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
