I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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