So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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