Your tits are I can't wait for
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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