Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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