last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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