wanna go halves on a baby?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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