if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
