I want to have your abortion
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
