I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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