I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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