It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
