You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The beers last night were like the tears from god
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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