hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
