Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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