Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
