some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
